favorite jokes

Post photo: Joker | © Siggy Nowak on Pixabay 

Here you will find jokes that I like to tell myself and to the chagrin of my better half. And since most of my friends and acquaintances have heard these jokes before, I'll just put them here as a separate post on my weblog.


One officer to the other: "Had a good night's sleep?"  

"No, off-duty."


"What? Do you have circulatory problems?! No problem. We only march straight ahead."


Mr. Müller has died. But instead of burying the urn in the cemetery, his widow takes it home and fills the ashes into a large hourglass. 

"There, my dear", she says satisfied, "work starts today."


Why don't Swabian housewives wear thongs?

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*

Because you can't make cleaning rags out of thongs.


An officer at home having breakfast, he's eating his second egg, has another cup of coffee and has been reading his newspaper absent-mindedly for over an hour.

Finally his wife asks him: "Tell me, Hans, don't you have to go to the office today?"

Her husband jumps up as if bitten by a tarantula and moans: "Oh my goodness, I thought I'd been there a long time!"


A farmer's wife is with the lawyer because she wants to get a divorce.

The lawyer: "But we need a good reason. Maybe he drinks?"

"The? I'll drink it under the table three times!"

"Doesn't he give you money?"

"Let him dare to keep a cent!"

"Is he hitting you?"

"I'll throw it out the window in octagons myself!"

"What about marital fidelity?"

"We'll grab him then. The second child is not his!"


A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a rabbi talk about the beginning of life.

Priest: "For me, life begins with the fusion of egg and sperm."

pastor: "For me, life begins as soon as the fetus gains consciousness."

Rabbi: "For me, life begins when the dog is dead and the kids are out of the house."


The difference between a professional politician and an amateur is that the former doesn't give a damn whether anyone is listening or not.


A mother is riding a bus with her eight-year-old daughter. At a bus stop, some prostitutes are standing and looking for customers.

"Mom, what are those women?"

"These are wives waiting for their husbands!"

The bus driver turns around and says: "Don't tell the kid that crap! These are hookers who sleep with men for money!"

"Mommy, if they sleep with men, then surely they'll have babies too. What will become of them?"

says the mother: "Bus driver!"


What does a housewife do when her husband falls down the basement stairs while fetching potatoes and breaks his neck?

*

*

pasta.


"Darling, would you like to go for a walk?"

"Of course, gladly!"

"Then bring a beer on the way back."


He picks at the food and asks: "Honey, is that out of the can again?"

"Yes, but this time there was such a cute dog on it and it said 'for her darling' right next to it."


one asks: "And, now host the guide?"

says the other: "Well, I'm through!"

The first: "How host does it work?"

The second: "Yes, I'm at a roundabout, there was a sign at Gschdanda 30."

The first: "Yeah, and?"

The second: "So I'm just 30moal ummedrum gfahrn."

The first: "Yes, and then?"

The second: "I'm through."

The first: "Host di miscounted?"


"Maybe I can still make myself useful in our society somehow?"

"Oh grandpa, don't always think about dying!"


The postman rings the doorbell in the morning. The son of the family opens.

 Post man: "I bring you something very special today, you won 2 million in the lottery. Here is the confirmation letter from the lottery company."

 The boy runs to his mother in the kitchen and tells her the good news.

 You: "Quick, go to papa and show him how to write!"

 After a while the son comes back shocked.

 "Mom, Dad had a heart attack and is dead!"

 You: "If it works, then it works!"


Patient in the ambulance: "Where are we actually going?"

"To the graveyard."

"But I'm not dead!"

"We're not there yet."


"It's always amazing that the prettiest girls marry the biggest jerks!"

"Darling, that's the nicest compliment I've had in years!"


You drive the car at a constant speed. There is a drop off on your right. On your left a huge fire engine. A pig gallops in front of you, clearly bigger than your car; and you can't pass Behind you a helicopter is pursuing you at ground level.

What are you doing to safely get out of this situation?

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*

Get off the children's carousel and drink less in the future.


Recipe for a Swabian tomato soup:

Take a red plate and fill it with hot water.


A rooster comes into the chicken coop every morning and greets all the hens warmly, but one of them always pulls out a feather.

One morning this one hen takes him aside and asks him: "Why do you greet all the hens so warmly and only me you always pull a feather?"

"Weisst du", replies the rooster, "I want to see you naked!"


Two officers meet in the hallway.

one asks: "Can not you Sleep either?"

#joke #german

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